Outsmarted by Abbi

Over the course of this school year, one area that I had kind of become lax on was the kids’ chores. They were starting to become whiney about helping around the house. Our family motto is that we are a team, which translates to the fact that we all make messes, therefore we all have a responsibility to help clean up messes. Even though I am a stay home mom, I am not a mom that does everything for my kids.  I believe my role is to teach them to become independent, responsible adults; not to be their maid. With that said, it honestly is easier just to do things for them rather than teach them how to do it themselves. This becomes a vicious monster rather quickly, though. And that monster was beginning to grow. So out comes this amazing chore chart system. I must say I was very proud of this chore chart, but it was an epic fail. Even though I spent a week making this system, it quickly came down. I knew it was just not going to work. Up goes chore system number two. It didn’t work either. Now, before you get on to me for blaming the chore system rather than my kids, let me just say that it wasn’t working for any of us. It was too much for me to keep up with. We needed simple. So out comes a single sheet of paper for each child with their list of chores and a circle to check off. Guess what? Their chores have been done every day for two weeks now.  Who knew a simple little chart printed off the computer would solve this problem! By now, you know that my daughter marches to the beat of her own drum. And that march is in the opposite direction of her mom.  Let’s just say that she brilliantly pulled one over on me with this chore chart. My boys get up each day and make their beds.  It’s one of their responsibilities. Not Abbi. She did a great job of making her bed once. And she never intended to do it again even though it's on her chore chart. She went and got a blanket, sleeps on top of her covers and covers up with the blanket. Pretty smart. In fact, so smart that I couldn’t really come up with a reason why it wasn’t acceptable. After all, her bed is made.  She outsmarted me and I decided to let her win. You know, my daughter doesn’t do hardly anything the way I would. Rather than let it annoy me or frustrate me, I am learning to appreciate her perspective and ideas. Life is so much for fun with her. Now if I could just talk Tim into letting us sleep on top of our covers so that I didn’t have to make my bed every day.

Using My Words of Wisdom Against Me

As a believer of intentional parenting, I meagerly attempt to use every opportunity I can as a teaching lesson. I don’t believe in just punishing, but in consequences with a purpose and taking the time to teach my children a wiser course of action. Let me reiterate the word attempt, because I fail miserably much of the time. Anyway, over the course of the school year I’ve had several teaching moments with Abbi.  She is at the age, believe it or not 3^rd grade, where girls are becoming caddy and snotty. You know what I’m talking about! My kids have clean, nice clothes but they for sure are not the big name brands unless I have found them on clearance. The popularity, what you have defines who you are mentality, has really amped up this year. My purple minded daughter, however, likes what she likes. I have made an effort to teach her that God made her Abbi, not anyone else. He says who she is, no one else. If she likes what she wears, that is all that matters. If I want to get her something that isn’t her style, she can tell me. However, she doesn’t have to have some brand of clothing just to have friends. The conversation we’ve had is, “Abbi  if you like what you are wearing then it does not matter what anyone else thinks.” Along with these conversations, we have had the conversation that everyone is different. An example would be, “Abbi just because you like something doesn’t mean someone else does.” I want them to understand that God made us unique. We have our interests and tastes because God made us that way. She has really seemed to grasp this idea. That is, until it backfired on me. We went from having these nice mother daughter discussions to her using my words against me. Leave it to Abbi to put a spin on things. So, we go from “Mom, I mean I know that’s the style but I just don’t like the way it looks.” And, “Mom, why do girls just want to be your friend just because of how you dress. I mean, how you act matters way more than how you dress. And those girls are not very sweet.” Let me throw in here that she wasn’t trying to make herself sound better than “those girls.” She is just trying to figure things out. Well, I think I’m really accomplishing my goal as a mom. Then it starts. “Mom, just because you like it doesn’t mean I do.” What’s so frustrating is that she isn’t sassy about it so it’s that much harder to have a reply. We’re talking with food, clothes, everything. Breakfast, supper, snacks. Every single thing that I suggest she wear, her room being clean, how to fix her hair. Talk about not going the way I intended. Rather than becoming this wise young lady, she has figured out how to manipulate me. Honestly, I have really let go of trying to get her to do things the way I want, but have really attempted to let her individuality flourish. This is not what I had in mind, at all, though. There is a huge difference in individuality and using the “I’m my own person so don’t tell me what to do” mentality. Now, we haven’t gotten that far, yet. I just want to make sure she doesn’t get to that point. She is just testing her boundaries right now.  Oh goodness, how am I ever going to figure out how to parent this child? My solution? I’ve made one of my 2012 goals reading parenting books because I’m clueless.

Pilgrims and Leprechauns

In honor of Thanksgiving, I decided to share my favorite Abbi moment. A few months back, Tim, the kids and I were running some errands when our oldest son, Eli, asked us a math question. Eli is our first child and most certainly has the first child, life is black and white, personality. He is like his momma! So, of course, he is in deep thought about a new math concept that he had learned at school earlier that week. In our conversation, Eli stated, “I always get decimals and remainders mixed up.” A few minutes later, Abbi chimed in saying, “Well I always get pilgrims and leprechauns mixed up.” What?! Yes, she really did say pilgrims and leprechauns. Once Tim and I were done cracking up (Tim about had a wreck he was laughing so hard), we realized that she was not only serious, but was actually being pretty sweet. She was trying to tell Eli that it was okay for him to be confused and was attempting to give an example of how she also gets confused. Yet, only Abbi would think of that! You must keep in mind that this is mid-summer. We are nowhere near the Thanksgiving holiday to give reason to her example. Of all the examples to use, mixing up pilgrims and leprechauns was honestly what came to her mind. I only wish my mind could be so exciting! She didn’t understand what was so funny. Tim began trying to figure out her train of thought and realized that the confusion must come from their similarity in belts. I still can’t stop laughing at her sincerely honest and innocent confusion. She was completely embarrassed because, of course, the scenario went straight to Facebook. Then she became quite proud of herself when she learned that she saved the business meeting of one of our church members who read my Facebook post and used her confusion to lighten the mood at a tense meeting he had at work. Oh, how I love my daughter. She makes my head spin at times, but I am so thankful for the color that she adds to life. As you celebrate this Thanksgiving with your family, I have two challenges. First, please don’t confuse the pilgrims with the leprechauns. One is real, the other is not. Secondly, be thankful for the individuality of those God has placed in your life.

My Pretty Little Liar

Oh yes, I did. I called my sweet little Abbi a liar. She is such a sweet and thoughtful young lady. Lying just seems to naturally flow from her tongue, though. She is proof that we are born with a sin nature, that’s for sure. What baffles me most is that she chooses to lie about situations that are not worth the added trouble.  Really, why lie to me about brushing your teeth? It’s not as if I can’t smell her morning dragon breath.  I don’t know how many times I will have to repeat, “Abbi it hurts you, not me, when you lie about brushing your teeth.” The other day, she came to my bathroom with her bangs held back and asked me to pin them back. Of course I did, without thinking anything about her request. As I was fixing her hair for school yesterday morning, I noticed something a little “off” about her bangs. She had cut them. Ah ha, that’s why she asked me to pin her bangs back a few mornings before. She had cut them and didn’t want me to notice. If she had just asked me to cut her bangs, or even just told me that she had cut her bangs herself, there really would not have been any problems. That’s a pretty normal thing for little girls to attempt. I’m a rational mom and wouldn’t have flipped out on her. Here’s where the problem began. When I asked her about her bangs, she said “Mom, I did not! I haven’t even touched scissors for days, weeks.” Trying not to laugh at her choice of words, I said “Ok, let’s show your dad your bangs.” I knew that would get her. She just can’t lie to her dad.  He came in the bathroom and she just looked up at him with a facial expression that gave away her thoughts, “Dang-it, I’ve been caught but I am NOT going to admit my guilt.” However, she is a lame liar. She tries her best but she almost always gets caught.  There are so many traits about Abbi that I wish I had. She is fun, generous and spontaneous. However, her lying is something that is just not going to be acceptable. It’s not cute now and it sure won’t be when she is a teenager. Tim and I have attempted every tactic. She has more severe consequences when she lies. She has had to memorize Bible verses on honesty. She gets spankings and lectures. She knows she doesn’t get away with lying. Sometimes, I just want to yell,” Really, would you just stop it?!” I don’t get it. Her thoughts automatically think, “I might have a chance of getting away with this” while I think, “Why take a chance on getting caught.” What I’m realizing is that I’m not going to be able to force her to be honest. It’s going to have to be something that she desires from within her heart. My problem is that I’m not exactly sure how to teach her to want to be honest. My approach with her must change if I’m going to be effective in teaching her to be honest.  I don’t think I will ever understand why she chooses to lie about the things she lies about. Her and I are so different that understanding her way of thinking so that I can most effectively teach her is going to be no small task. This sin problem is going to be her struggle and as her mom, I must diligently pray that she seeks truth and desires honesty. And try my very hardest not to become completely exasperated with her.

Purple Gorilla's

A few weeks ago, our family devotion was on fact and opinion. We wanted to teach our kids about truth.  As we read our Bible passage, we began to explain that things such as food, clothes, sport teams and so forth are examples of opinion. There are some things that we have the freedom to choose what we like and do not like. However, there are other things that are truth, whether one agrees or disagrees because God has set a standard. Tim and I were thinking that we must be doing a pretty decent job of explaining this to the kids because they all seemed to be listening intently. I should not have been surprised when Abbi interrupted me midsentence with this statement, “Mom, so it’s like if I think gorilla’s are purple but you say they are black.” All I could think was, “What?” Honestly, I couldn’t even understand what would make her think of that example in context of what we were discussing, much less have a good reply.  This was one of those moments where I wish I could crawl in her brain to see what’s swirling around in there. The purple gorilla completely stumped me. Thinking that the kids were completely missing the lesson, we just wrapped up the devotion and said our bedtime prayers. We thought that maybe we needed to wait a while before trying to explain fact and opinion. However, a few days later, Abbi brought up the purple gorilla’s again. Probably sensing my confusion on the matter, I suppose she decided to prove to me that she understood exactly what had tried to teach them. To my surprise, she explained that if a gorilla is black, but she says it’s purple, that doesn’t make it purple. She may not believe that it is black, but it is still black. I have to say, I felt proud and ashamed all at once.  Abbi had thought of a good example, after all. In fact, she was saying exactly what we were saying, just with an Abbi spin. Her example was so out of the box (I still don’t know where it came from!), however, that I could not stop to realize she was grasping the lesson. It was then that I realized not only how different my daughter and I are, but how much her perspective can contribute. This black and white brain would have thought of some kind of boring example, but not Abbi. As a mom, if I am going to parent her well, I must learn to get past that fact that she just approaches things differently.  Rather than being dumbfounded at her thought process, I’m going to have to appreciate her creative way of thinking. I will probably never fully “get” her, but I’m a little jealous of all the color in her life!

Choosing My Battles Wisely

It’s the third week of the new school year and mornings are running much more smoothly than they were this time last year. I must give partial credit to my genius idea of getting the kids up 30 minutes earlier than last year. Who knew that less sleep equals less chaos? However, our pleasant mornings can mostly be attributed to the absence of Abbi’s drama. This was no easy task. Mornings were nothing short of miserable most days last year. Her strong-will and my strong-will aren’t really compatible. Perhaps if our strong opinions were the same, but oh they are not at all. Somewhere between May and August, I wised up. With our biggest battle being her clothes, I evaluated the morning chaos from last year and realized that her meltdowns were usually a result of me trying to tell her what to wear.  It didn’t take too long into last school year for me to figure out that if I really wanted her to wear something, then I better not give any indication that I liked the article of clothing. Otherwise, it would not even be a consideration for her. Our battles continued, though, because in my mind I’m the parent and I obviously know what matches and looks best together. Right?  Obviously not. Over the course of my thought provoking summer trying to figure out how I would make mornings more pleasant this school year, I came to one conclusion. Her clothes are not a battle worth fighting. I must relinquish and let her pick out her own clothes. I know that some mom reading this, probably my sister, is laughing because you would never consider not letting your kids pick out their own clothes. This was honestly huge for me. You know what? She is actually pretty good at choosing her own clothes. She has gone to school every day looking very well matched. I will never admit this to her, but some of the outfits she has put together are much more cute than anything I would have chosen. It is always humorous to me how God likes to use my kids to teach me lessons. I am pretty sure this lesson is two-fold. First, as a parent I have to realize that it’s good for my kids to have their own tastes and styles. A frequent saying I use is, “God made you YOU, so don’t try to be anyone else.” If I am going to preach it, then I must parent it. Second, as a parent, I must keep the bigger picture in mind. Her clothes don’t really matter (as long as they are appropriate, modest and clean!). I want her to grow into the young woman God desires her to be. She really appreciates the freedom to make some decisions, so this has become a big step towards that direction. There has also been a change in our relationship over the past few weeks. The result of my letting go of this battle has been her seeking my wisdom and advice on more important things such as friends. I wish I were one of those parents who gets things right the first time. I seem to always get things completely wrong then figure out what I should be doing. I’ll just eat my humble pie and be thankful that everyone in my home had a good start to their day today.

A Prank A Day: Mission Accomplished

Let me begin this post by reminding my readers that my daughter is 8 years old and in the 3^rd grade. With that said, I never dreamed it would be my daughter that pulls the pranks in this house. Growing up living with my grandparents, it was my Uncle Michael who pulled the pranks on his sister, my Aunt Angie. He would do the usual things like gluing her makeup down to her vanity. Well, not in this house. It’s our daughter who pulls the pranks on her brothers. She sneaks a little prank then lies and laughs. The boys fuss and cry. At that point, I am pretty sure that Abbi is thinking, “mission accomplished.” Most days, I am certain that it’s her main objective for the day to see how often she can aggravate, irritate and annoy her brothers. She is pretty masterful at reaching her goal. Her one fault, she hasn’t mastered the art of lying. Oh, she tries her hardest. The problem is she doesn’t have someone else to blame. Take this morning, for example. I guess she got tired of putting soap on the boys’ tooth brushes. After 9 days of the same prank, it was probably getting old and boring. So, she devised a new scheme of filling their hair goop container with water. Of course, Tim went to the kids’ bathroom to fix the boys hair before school and found the prank. Of course, Abbi proceeded with several “I didn’t do it” “Eli did it” “Evan did it” pleas. Her dad outsmarted her, “Abbi, why would one of the boys ruin their own hair stuff?” Without thinking her little prank through, she blurted out, “Dad it was empty.” Hmm, so a confession.  Her logic to the confession was that if the container were empty, the prank didn’t matter.  She totally missed the fact that she was caught in a lie. Actually the container wasn’t empty and she had to leave for school with her dad’s reminder running through her mind that the boys have permission to get her back. Normally, we stick to the “don’t repay evil with evil” rule. However, we’ve had exactly 10 days of school and 10 days of pranks. I think it’s time she learned her lesson.